Everyone on the High Plateau seems to have a trade or craft of sorts. Fremont Bob makes spurs. Mike operates "Backyard Bronze." Dangerous has what he calls a consulting business. Unlike the others, he doesn't produce anything expect a long line of "bull shit." Of the group, Utah Jack has the most unusual trade of all. You have to understand he is a reformed accountant which might explain his strange business choice "Lil' Buddy Budget Burials, LLC." He basically manufactures and sells, through the mail, cheap, do-it-yourself burial kits.
For obvious reasons, the "Grover Boys" are preoccupied with death. I guess if I heard the Grim Reaper's footsteps behind me I might have the same concern. Dangerous and Utah are constantly arguing about who will outlive whom. It has actually become a competition. They are competing to see who owns the Home Place outright.
Dangerous thinks he is ahead because he exercises regularly. However, he falls behind when personality is factored in. He isn't what you humans call "Type A." He is considerably more intense. Sometimes, I purposely ignore him to elevate his blood pressure and get him to turn bright red.
Utah on the other hand abhors regular exercise, and his diet should give Dangerous the edge. Utah believes walking to the mail box is regular exercise and that you can eat anything you can lift. However, personality weighs heavily in his favor.
Maybe it was this constant argument about who will outlive whom that got Utah interested in his latest business enterprise. Actually I really think it started because Utah is so cheap that he was looking for ways to save a buck even in death. Well, for whatever reason, anyone can benefit from Utah's do-it-yourself burial kits.
He has a variety of plans, but with a few variations, they all include a prefabricated coffin. He builds and ships a standard sized coffin like a piece of IKEA furniture. All you have to do is screw the parts together and drop your loved one in. The coffins are roomy enough to hold more than one, so if you want, drop in an extra wife, girlfriend, or favorite dog if the timing is right.
When you order, you have a small range of amenities to pick from. All the coffins are constructed from 3/4 inch wafer board, but Utah offers a few color choices. A favorite among many customers is ebony black. It has a more conservative look for those trying to convey a solemn message. For the incredibly cheap, you can go with the natural look. However, you want to get this model into the ground as soon as possible because it might leak, and unpainted wafer board has a tendency to peel in the sun. You can also choose among a number of handle types. The cheapest version includes plain rope, but you can step up to garage door handles or cheap plated handles for a dressed up brass look.
For those planning an extended viewing or wake, Utah will ship you 50 pounds of rock salt with the coffin. He guarantees that if used properly the body should keep at least three days in summer and longer during cold weather months. For anyone really trying to save money, he will also include a cheap shovel. If you want to make the funeral more personal, you can hand dig the grave, saving on backhoe expenses.
Well, if you are interested in Utah's services, let me know. He doesn't advertise much, and can be a bit difficult to find. I will pass on any information requests or orders to him. It's always good to hear from you.
5 comments:
How about the styrofoam headstones with the little black sticky letters and the paste on silver and purple stars for the real do it your selfers? And how about the "Self Composting" model for all you home gardeners...the one that looks like a big potato sack? Fremont
My old man told my girls those were coffee tables, so as not to alarm.
I asked him if he and Kay had some kind of suicide pact I needed to know about.
Rosie. Pass along to Utah Jack the following words to a little jingle he could use to develop a killer market for his boxes. He needs to see Fremont Bob about a tune to go along with the words. I would suggest the concertina as the instrument of choice.
“Little Buddy Budget Burials, LLC"
When your loved ones croak, you’ll sure get soaked
If you don’t call Little Buddy
You can plant ‘em good, just like you should
In a box from Little Buddy
To start the wake would be a grave mistake
If you haven’t called Little Buddy
So call right now, we’ll tell you how
To find our Little Buddy
Call… (add a phone number here.)
Max,
Brilliant!! You're in the wrong business.
Best Regards,
Fremont and Bluester
Thanks Bob. Maybe we could get a little Gilbert and Sullivan thing going. I'll bet we could come up with some real showstoppers with that concertina of yours. Tell Blue I send greetings. My wife still has his picture on our refrigerator door. She fell in love with him the first time she saw it. Though she's a saint of a woman, I do believe she'd steal him from you if she ever had the chance.
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